Yesterday I spent some time thinking, not for the first time, about how, as individuals and One, we are held back by false limitations. I thought about conditioning. As a society, I believe we are conditioned to believe that we can't, or we shouldn't. We can do things only within our certain limits. Banks can take our homes... we may not like it, but they can, and we can't stop them. We are stuck at a job that we dislike, and does not fulfill what we need for our personal happiness, but we must, because what other options do we have? We must survive, and to do that, we need the job where we are not appreciated for our individuality and we are not recognized as fellow, equal human beings by those we are there to "serve." But we must do and except these things because that's the way it is, and we can't change it. Or we shouldn't try to because we will fail. It is out of our capability.
But I believe, with all of my heart, that that is WRONG. Society is what we have created. We are Not here to Serve society. We Can and we Should experience the world around us in a happy and a healthy way. It belongs to all of us. Not just a select few who have power, money, and would have us believe otherwise. If you are unhappy with the way the world is, then it is up to You and us to change it. Personally, I believe one of the things that holds us back from this, more than anything, is a false sense of division, perpetuated by those who would have us believe we are seperate; those who benefit from the rest of us squabbling over the petty things. Did you know that your neighbor is losing his/her home? Did you know this is happening NOT because of something that they have done wrong, or because they are a bad person, or because they didn't work hard enough, or failed in some way, but because our system is set up to have winners and losers, and, well, we are just the losers I guess. Did you know that our banking system intentionally has us set up for FAILURE? And remember, your neighbor could be you. There are plenty of things in this world that may be legal, but they are morally and ethically 100% wrong. I am not okay with my neighbors home being taken away for the greed of others. I am not okay with Our home being taken away for the greed of others. I will stand on the side of right and good, unity and love. What I ask of you, is to be aware! That is the first step to being proactive. Be supportive of one another. Recognize that we may have different beliefs and ideas of how things are done, but that we are still brothers and sisters; love truly is all you need.... to respect and honor one another's differences.
When I think about the unemployment our nation has been dealing with, I can't help but have one recurring thought come back to me again and again. Maybe our "jobs" are no longer serving our society in the way that we wish. If we are unhappy about them, maybe something about them needs to change. I challenge you to consider that maybe our idea of what a job Is needs to change. I know that for me, I went through school believing that when I graduated I would go to another school and learn how to do one of the jobs set out in the cookie cutter idea of jobs available in society, and then I would get a degree, and then I would get one of those jobs and be successful and happy. Unfortunately, that didn't work for me. I know that it works for many people, but what about those people it doesn't work for? I went to a four year university, and got a loan, that I am still paying for, and never had, and likely never will, have a "job" in the area that I went to school for. I guess my point is, lets think outside the box a little bit. If you are unhappy with what you are doing, get happy! If what you are doing isn't working for you, change it! If what you want to do isn't available to you in our current society, create it. We get to choose....
All of this brings me to something I had written several months ago, and haven't shared with anyone yet, but I would like to here:
Recently I talked to man who told me about a dream he had..... something that he wanted very much to happen in his life. He had an opportunity present itself to him to give him a chance to achieve that dream, and he was torn over what to do about it. It was a risk. He was a workaholic with the stability of his several jobs and a considerable income because of it. But he had a passion. You could see the light in his eyes and hear the excitement in his voice when he talked about it. What was he to do?, he asked me. The first thing I could think to say, was"Why on Earth wouldn't you?!"
It set my mind to thinking. What is it that holds us back? I think that the only thing that truly holds us back is ourselves. What holds us back is the fear of failure; or the fear of achievement, but perhaps not in the way we foresee it. Either way, I say it is a win/win situation! You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain! Life is very much about timing. If the time has arrived, then grasp it with all your might! You will know when the time is truly right. What is failure, anyway? I say that the only failure is confining yourself to a box in which you can only see one definitive outcome. Achievement is the awakening to what you will gain along the way. You truly have the key to bring about the outcomes that you want for YOUR LIFE. Of course there will be downs, and difficult hurdles along the way, but do you truly want to get to the end of your life and wonder what it would have been like to try? Because I think even just the trying gives you wings and exhilaration. It may not end the way you originally planned; what your destination was may change course along the way, but in the end it is yours, and where you get to will be an achievement regardless. Live your life to the fullest and blossom in who you Truly are. You are unique, you are beautiful, you have something to offer..... Let us see it.
When people tell you what it is they would Really like to do, there is often a hesitation in it. They think that it is silly, that others will think it is silly, that they will fail.... but how many times do we Truly fail? Why allow fear to control your life? This life is ours. It is a gift. Live it as you would, for the betterment of yourself and others. When you feel doubt, go to that quiet place in your mind and your hearts desire will come to the forefront. The quiet can bring you your clarity. Block all of the other whispering voices of negativity out. Let go of the need to be in control and the fear that can overcome you, and realize that in letting go of it, you are in fact putting yourself More in control. You are making a conscious decision to recognize your true desires and happiness.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Wonders of Witch Hazel
Whether you suffer from acne or not, they are some things that are just plain good for you. :)
Witch Hazel. Have you heard of it? Do you know what it is? It is wonderful and from the earth, and I think, great for your skin. When I first started to really "go after" my acne problem, I remember seeing something on-line somewhere (can't for the life of me remember where now) about the benefits of witch hazel. I started using Thayer's Original Witch Hazel (around since 1847! :) I figured they must know Something about what they are doing) with Aloe Vera formula (I wanted the aloe vera specifically to help with healing). I know there are other brands out there, but I like the sound of original, I like the sound of natural, and they say it is derived from a time honored Native American formula, and I Know they know what they are doing. I got it from our local health food store. Not only is it something that the earth provides for us and is gentle on your skin, but it is Affordable! I paid about $9 for a 12 oz. bottle, and that was three months ago. I still have about a 3rd of the bottle left and use it twice a day, sometimes more. That is doable!
Since my teenage years, I have pretty consistently used various toners/astringents on my face. When I was wearing makeup in particular, face wash just didn't seem to get it all off. I needed something more. The problem with most "fancy" astringents is that they can over-dry your skin, and they have things in them that you really just don't need (such as alcohol)! Ah, I have learned the beauty of simplicity. The first thing I started to do for my face was to start using an organic facewash; the second was to use Witch Hazel. For me, it is mostly for an extra exfoliation. But also, you often just don't notice how much accumulates on your face throughout the day, such as sweat, oil, and grime. It is a great way to just clean off and refresh your face mid-day. I think that my face beginning to clear up was a result of many things together, but I can honestly say when I first started really noticing a difference, it was shortly after I had started using Witch Hazel.
Witch Hazel does not over dry your skin but rather, I feel, helps it maintain a natural balance of moisture. By nature, I have oily skin, and this is something that does not make it more oily, unlike many things I have tried in the past. Taken right from the bottle: it says it can "help to tighten pores and smooth skin.... derived from the bark, it is not distilled, thereby maintaining all the beneficial natural tannins."
Here's a random website I found if you want to know a little more about Witch Hazel. :) http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/witch-hazel-herbal-remedies.htm Read the note at the bottom about the medical cautions, although I think it is intended more if you ingest it internally; because, yes, there are Many uses for Witch Hazel. Also, think I read somewhere that women who are pregnant or nursing should talk to their doctors first. But all of that being said, it is Definitely something I would recommend checking out!
Cheers!
Witch Hazel. Have you heard of it? Do you know what it is? It is wonderful and from the earth, and I think, great for your skin. When I first started to really "go after" my acne problem, I remember seeing something on-line somewhere (can't for the life of me remember where now) about the benefits of witch hazel. I started using Thayer's Original Witch Hazel (around since 1847! :) I figured they must know Something about what they are doing) with Aloe Vera formula (I wanted the aloe vera specifically to help with healing). I know there are other brands out there, but I like the sound of original, I like the sound of natural, and they say it is derived from a time honored Native American formula, and I Know they know what they are doing. I got it from our local health food store. Not only is it something that the earth provides for us and is gentle on your skin, but it is Affordable! I paid about $9 for a 12 oz. bottle, and that was three months ago. I still have about a 3rd of the bottle left and use it twice a day, sometimes more. That is doable!
Since my teenage years, I have pretty consistently used various toners/astringents on my face. When I was wearing makeup in particular, face wash just didn't seem to get it all off. I needed something more. The problem with most "fancy" astringents is that they can over-dry your skin, and they have things in them that you really just don't need (such as alcohol)! Ah, I have learned the beauty of simplicity. The first thing I started to do for my face was to start using an organic facewash; the second was to use Witch Hazel. For me, it is mostly for an extra exfoliation. But also, you often just don't notice how much accumulates on your face throughout the day, such as sweat, oil, and grime. It is a great way to just clean off and refresh your face mid-day. I think that my face beginning to clear up was a result of many things together, but I can honestly say when I first started really noticing a difference, it was shortly after I had started using Witch Hazel.
Witch Hazel does not over dry your skin but rather, I feel, helps it maintain a natural balance of moisture. By nature, I have oily skin, and this is something that does not make it more oily, unlike many things I have tried in the past. Taken right from the bottle: it says it can "help to tighten pores and smooth skin.... derived from the bark, it is not distilled, thereby maintaining all the beneficial natural tannins."
Here's a random website I found if you want to know a little more about Witch Hazel. :) http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/witch-hazel-herbal-remedies.htm Read the note at the bottom about the medical cautions, although I think it is intended more if you ingest it internally; because, yes, there are Many uses for Witch Hazel. Also, think I read somewhere that women who are pregnant or nursing should talk to their doctors first. But all of that being said, it is Definitely something I would recommend checking out!
Cheers!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
My Journey Begins
Hello dear ones. I have felt so compelled to share something with all of you, that I decided to start a blog! Honestly, I feel as though this post is just the beginning. As some of you know, and some of you may not, I have been struggling with a complete change in my body and skin for almost 6 months now. It has been one part of a journey that I have been sent on. It has been difficult, but life changing. In it's own way, it has also been beautiful. For about 4 months now, I have been suffering from severe acne. And I quite literally mean, Severe acne. This past fall, I watched my acne turn from something that was a nuisance, into a serious problem. I tried many different products and solutions as I tried to understand what was happening to my skin. I feel I have been learning much on my way, and it is my sincere hope to help others by sharing my experience.
I do believe that what set off my chain of events was my, what some may consider drastic, decision to stop taking the birth control pill that I had been on for the better part of 10 years. Here is why.... I had never felt at my best while I was on the pill. Be it nausea, dizziness, or whatever else, it was something that I just accepted as part of life. It wasn't until recently that I became more aware to a simple fact. It didn't Have to be something I just accepted. If there is a reason you or your body are not feeling the absolute best you can be, and it is within your power to change it, why for goodness' sake would you not? I truly believe that so many of us forget that we have so much more control over our lives than we think. I became aware of another feeling that I had about birth control. My body, all of ours, are amazing miracles. Except in serious medical cases, they are able to perform beautifully and perfectly all on their own. I began to question putting hormones into my body that it wasn't naturally producing itself. I decided I wanted to be free of it. So I took control, and I made myself free.
There are obvious reasons that some form of birth control is very good and very important; especially in today's world as our world population booms out of control, which in my opinion is a serious issue unto itself. I would just ask one thing of you... consider what you are doing. Make an informed decision and decide for yourself if it is your best option. For me, at a fairly young age when I first started taking birth control, I feel that I was not making an informed decision. I feel that for women, taking birth control has become a "norm." It is not something we even question anymore. If most women are doing it, it must be alright, right? Perhaps.... but be it birth control, or anything else, you should Always consider what you are putting into your body, and if it is the right thing for you.
It was in October of last year that I realized that my annoying breakout that wouldn't go away since early summer, was turning in to something much more serious. On a trip home to Michigan, my parents looked at me in surprise and showed their concern, as they wondered along with me, just what was going on. I remember the first day that I chose to not wear ANY make up, with the encouragement of my boyfriend, in an attempt to stop clogging my pores. He, my mother, and I were on a drive and talking about it, when I stated to them that I didn't Like the feel of my face without makeup on it. They both looked at me in silence for a moment as if I had just said the most absurd thing. I knew as I said it how absurd it sounded, and yet I realized that it was TRUE. I Didn't like it. And it was in that moment that I realized something much deeper. At what point in my life did I stop liking the feel of MY OWN SKIN??? It brought a feeling of sadness to me, and I knew that something had to change. I wanted to feel and see my skin again and appreciate it for its beauty, just the way it was.
When we returned to Wyoming, my skin continued to get drastically worse. My "acne" had turned into horrible spots on my face that were swollen, angry looking, and painful. My face was covered with it. I was at a loss. I had been off of birth control for a couple of months.... how long was it going to take for my hormone change to balance out? I was wearing makeup as little as possible.... WHAT was causing my pores to be clogged? I had even tried changing my diet somewhat, by cutting out dairy. Everything I was doing might have helped for a little while, but then it would just get worse again, and it wasn't helping enough. I eventually realized there was infection in my face. When I went to bed at night, it hurt to lie on my side as my face touched my pillow. When I would roll over, it would hurt again. I sat in the chair at the hairdresser, and tried to not let tears come to my eyes as she bumped my face with the comb.
I remember one windy day, walking through town, a feeling of relief as the wind blew my hair across my face and hid it, and a strange feeling of shamefulness when it would blow it back from my face, exposing it to all of the passerby's. The thought crossed my mind of wishing I had a paper bag over my head...... One evening in Staples, I had a gentleman stop me as I was headed out the door. He clearly had something to say to me, but seemed somewhat apprehensive. He asked if he may inquire as to my skin problem. He asked if I had rosacea. I told him it was acne that I had been struggling with. He asked me what I had been using to treat it. He told me that until rather recently he had been struggling with it too. He then wrote down what had helped him and gave me his e-mail address with the request that if there was Anything that he could do or questions I may have, to send him a message. I gave him a smile of sweetness and sadness. In a moment I was touched that a stranger would be so willing to help me; so open and giving. It was mixed with the feeling of sadness that my skin had become so blemished, that others felt sorry for me. I felt as though I could almost hear the thoughts of every person I came face to face with, wondering how my skin could be so damaged.
As I looked in the mirror one day, I noticed a deep purple spot under my skin in one of the swollen spots. I became terrified as I began to think about the Lasting effects of what was happening to my skin. What damage was being done that couldn't be reversed. Finally, I woke up one morning to a puffy eyelid, and the next day to two puffy eyelids due to the infection and swelling in my acne. Enough was enough. I had tried everything I could think to do, and it was time to get some help. I made an appointment with a dermatologist, money or not (I do not have insurance), and tried to not cry over the phone as I asked her to please get me in as soon as possible, particularly due to the swelling in my eye area.
She was able to get me in a few days later, and I called in to work to switch a shift with one of my co-workers. I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, trying to not feel too much anxiety. After a while, he came in, and I was eager to hear what he had to say and so very hopeful that he could help me. I was so conscious of the fact that I wasn't wearing makeup and how horrible my skin looked as he examined my face with the light blaring down on the worst spots. After he had looked for a few moments and asked me a few questions, he told me that I had severe nodula cystic acne. My heart sank, but I was hopeful that he could tell me something that would help me. His recommendation to me was to go on accutane. I didn't know much about accutane, but what I had heard had not been overly positive to me. I knew it was a "dangerous" drug. He explained that the number of people who had severe problems with accutane was small compared to its benefits. Still, I felt hesitant. To even be on the drug involved a strict regime of blood tests, pregnancy tests, and "contracts" to be on at least two forms of birth control. Also, I felt an aversion to the thought of having to go back on birth control to save my face; the very thing I had given up with a personal conviction I don't know that I can fully explain. Perhaps the most frightening thing to me was when he stated to me that "if you get pregnant while you are on accutane, it is not a question of will your child have a birth defect. Your child WILL have a birth defect." I had no intentions of getting pregnant, but all I could think of was did I Want something in MY BODY that had that capability? My heart told me no. Still, to give myself my best chance, I decided to consider my options.
The positive side to accutane is that it supposedly, in effect, "cures" acne. My understanding was that it would kill my dysfunctional oil glands. A cure sounded Very appealing. Especially when considering I was told that if left the way it was, my skin Would scar. Then came the question of cost. The estimate of what it would cost for someone without insurance to take this drug, was $3,000. I thanked the doctor for his information, but told him that it didn't really seem to be an option for me. He said he understood, and we then discussed my next best option.... antibiotics. He explained that they could certainly help, but that it was mostly a waiting game, to see if when I stopped taking them whether or not my skin would be done with its "phase." I knew that I needed help. I needed to get rid of the infection in my skin, so this was the route I decided to take. I needed to get my skin back under control.
I went home with $230 less in my pocket for the day and with mixed emotions of eagerness to start on my antibiotics and hopelessness at how far my skin had come. I did the only thing I could think to do for the moment, I called my mom to talk to her about what the doctor had said. As I began to tell her, and she listened in concern, I broke down in to sobs. I will tell you, I was at a low. My relationship with the man that I loved had taken a turn that I didn't see coming, I was unhappy at my stressful job, my skin had become something ugly, and then there was the pain; the physical and emotional pain. Bless my mother, because she listened to me pour out my pain in a way that only a mother and daughter can understand. Some things had to change, or I was going to lose it. But here was the thing... someone very dear to me taught me that "We are right where we need to be," and mentally, though I didn't know it at the time, I was almost to my moment of awakening. Almost to the point where I would know what I needed to do. I felt so scattered, so ungrounded. I felt as though I was spinning out of control of my own life and I longed for something, anything, to grab ahold of me and stop the spinning. I longed to be grounded again. Little did I know that soon I would be grounded again, and growing deeper roots than ever before.
A couple of weeks later, I talked to my boss. She knew that I was struggling with some personal things, and was worried about me. I told her I was sorry, but my head was not in the right place to be giving the quality of myself that my position deserved. After a good discussion, I told her I needed to go home, and sleep on what we had talked about, what I was feeling, and the best path for me to take. It worked! The next day, I woke up with this strange new motivation to GET OUT of my sinking ship. I believe, if you are not happy, then change it. Who can stop you? It was time for me to say enough, and take my control back. I was lucky enough to walk downstairs and have my roommate and one of my best friends in the living room. Everything I was thinking and feeling burst out of me and she listened to me with encouragement. I then went and made a phone call to a woman I had talked to about a job before I took my current one. I left her a voicemail and sent an e-mail asking if she still had a position available. I then made a phone call to my ex boyfriend, one of my other best friends, and headed over to his place to talk about my ideas to him. On my way there, I got a call from the woman I had called about the job who told me she had a part time position available. Perfect. Neither of the people I talked to that day seemed to think I was crazy for leaving my well paying and opportunistic job. I was not happy, that was what mattered. Once I made the decision, I felt a HUGE relief. It was like this giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. That in and of itself, told me it was the right one.
I went in to my current job that afternoon and talked to the ladies who were my bosses. Every one of them told me to take the personal time that I needed and wished me happiness and the best. I was to finish my workweek and then set out on my new journey. I waited in anticipation of the time where I could put all of my focus on it. When I walked out of work on my last day, as horrible as it sounds to say it, I was giddy. I didn't know what was next, but I knew it would come to me, and now I had the time and freedom to do it. I was starting at my new job the very next day, but it was only a half day, and then I could start planning and brainstorming.
I went to the post office after my first day and in the mail, had a book I had been wanting and that my mother had sent to me. This is something I very much want to share with all of you. The book is called The Magpie Papers and is put together/written by Jennifer Eis & Don Ward of Cross Village in Northern Michigan. It is a book of thoughts/insights/stories/words of wisdom collected and put on to these pages from the couples summer series. I'm sure you are wondering what I am talking about.... Don & Jennifer have a beautiful home built by hand on a beautiful piece of land in Cross Village, MI. This home they have turned in to a sanctuary for sharing knowledge and learning. During the summer months, the couple would have programs in the barn on their property, and they, with the others who would join them, would discuss different topics, in an effort to share and create awareness. I had first heard about the book from one of my mother's good friends on my visit home to Michigan. She had told us an amazing story about how her husband, a pipe carrier for the Odawa Tribe in Northern Michigan, and Don Ward had met. The seed had been planted.....
That night I opened my book and what I found was beautiful. My heart swelled as I read about one of Don & Jennifer's journies out west. Different thoughts were falling together in my mind, and I went to bed with a smile on my face. I woke up the next morning with a new sense of purpose. There was an awakening in my mind of the possibilities in my life. That I could Truly do whatever it was that I wanted to do. That I had the ability to make things that I had always wondered about and been interested in happen, for myself; ANYTHING.
I decided that my first step was to try a cleanse. I had a couple of different people talk to me about how they or someone they had known had seen a change in skin problems after doing a cleanse. It sounded like a good idea to me. Not just for my skin, but to clean all of the bad things out that had been accumulating in my body for so many years of my life. I stopped in to our local health food store to ask the woman in health care what she would recommend. It started out as a general enough conversation, but developed into something much more. As she mentioned to me the benefits of a cleanse for the skin, as so many other people had, I told her about my struggle. I talked and she listened. Then she told me about a diet that she was going to be starting and that she thought it might help me. She then proceeded to tell me about the Body Ecology Diet, and the more she talked, the more a felt a growing excitement about making a true, positive change in my life with something like this. I told her as I was leaving, with the Body Ecology Diet book in my hand, that I truly felt as if I was supposed to be in the store that day and run in to her. That I had been waiting/putting off doing a cleanse, but that the reason why was that I was supposed to be there that day at that moment to hear what she had to tell me.
I went home & told my roommate about this new, wonderful thing. Much to my happiness, she also felt a call to embark on this new diet and new journey for healthier eating and healthier living. The very next day I began reading my new book, and over the next coming weeks, felt an opening of my eyes. What my dermatologist told me was probably genetics, I was beginning to believe, with all of my heart, was in fact my body crying out for help. This is the belief and realization that I came to (with the help of my book and wisdom of friends): My acne was more than just a "problem." It was my body trying to help itself. Consider a few things.... Your skin is your bodies largest organ. It is ALIVE just like your heart, or your liver, or anything else. Consider the things that we put in to our bodies, toxins.... pesticides, hormones, antibiotics from the food we eat, chemicals from SO many of the things we come in to contact with every day and don't even think about. If you put enough bad things in your body, that it does not want, and it is working overtime to get it out, it makes perfect sense to me that one of the ways that it would try to get out is through your skin, the largest organ in your body. For me, it was in the form of acne. How can I be angry with my body, my skin, when in a way, I have done this, albeit unknowingly, to myself.
Now I want to tell you something else..... my skin is healing. I am on a mission to Help my body get rid of the bad things in it, and do as much as I can to keep from putting more in to it. And it is working. There are several things I have done to get my body and health back to a good place, that I would love to go in to more detail with you in a later post. But for now, I want to say a few things. First of all, that I believe without a doubt and a moment's hesitation that I would not be where I am right now without the inspiration and support of the beautiful family and loving friends in my life. I have had shoulders to cry on and open and giving hearts around me; wise people who, like me, just want to live the best lives they can. It has meant so much to me. SO much. Also, live your life the way YOU want to live it. You are beautiful just the way you are, and you have control and possibilities in your life too.
I do believe that what set off my chain of events was my, what some may consider drastic, decision to stop taking the birth control pill that I had been on for the better part of 10 years. Here is why.... I had never felt at my best while I was on the pill. Be it nausea, dizziness, or whatever else, it was something that I just accepted as part of life. It wasn't until recently that I became more aware to a simple fact. It didn't Have to be something I just accepted. If there is a reason you or your body are not feeling the absolute best you can be, and it is within your power to change it, why for goodness' sake would you not? I truly believe that so many of us forget that we have so much more control over our lives than we think. I became aware of another feeling that I had about birth control. My body, all of ours, are amazing miracles. Except in serious medical cases, they are able to perform beautifully and perfectly all on their own. I began to question putting hormones into my body that it wasn't naturally producing itself. I decided I wanted to be free of it. So I took control, and I made myself free.
There are obvious reasons that some form of birth control is very good and very important; especially in today's world as our world population booms out of control, which in my opinion is a serious issue unto itself. I would just ask one thing of you... consider what you are doing. Make an informed decision and decide for yourself if it is your best option. For me, at a fairly young age when I first started taking birth control, I feel that I was not making an informed decision. I feel that for women, taking birth control has become a "norm." It is not something we even question anymore. If most women are doing it, it must be alright, right? Perhaps.... but be it birth control, or anything else, you should Always consider what you are putting into your body, and if it is the right thing for you.
It was in October of last year that I realized that my annoying breakout that wouldn't go away since early summer, was turning in to something much more serious. On a trip home to Michigan, my parents looked at me in surprise and showed their concern, as they wondered along with me, just what was going on. I remember the first day that I chose to not wear ANY make up, with the encouragement of my boyfriend, in an attempt to stop clogging my pores. He, my mother, and I were on a drive and talking about it, when I stated to them that I didn't Like the feel of my face without makeup on it. They both looked at me in silence for a moment as if I had just said the most absurd thing. I knew as I said it how absurd it sounded, and yet I realized that it was TRUE. I Didn't like it. And it was in that moment that I realized something much deeper. At what point in my life did I stop liking the feel of MY OWN SKIN??? It brought a feeling of sadness to me, and I knew that something had to change. I wanted to feel and see my skin again and appreciate it for its beauty, just the way it was.
When we returned to Wyoming, my skin continued to get drastically worse. My "acne" had turned into horrible spots on my face that were swollen, angry looking, and painful. My face was covered with it. I was at a loss. I had been off of birth control for a couple of months.... how long was it going to take for my hormone change to balance out? I was wearing makeup as little as possible.... WHAT was causing my pores to be clogged? I had even tried changing my diet somewhat, by cutting out dairy. Everything I was doing might have helped for a little while, but then it would just get worse again, and it wasn't helping enough. I eventually realized there was infection in my face. When I went to bed at night, it hurt to lie on my side as my face touched my pillow. When I would roll over, it would hurt again. I sat in the chair at the hairdresser, and tried to not let tears come to my eyes as she bumped my face with the comb.
I remember one windy day, walking through town, a feeling of relief as the wind blew my hair across my face and hid it, and a strange feeling of shamefulness when it would blow it back from my face, exposing it to all of the passerby's. The thought crossed my mind of wishing I had a paper bag over my head...... One evening in Staples, I had a gentleman stop me as I was headed out the door. He clearly had something to say to me, but seemed somewhat apprehensive. He asked if he may inquire as to my skin problem. He asked if I had rosacea. I told him it was acne that I had been struggling with. He asked me what I had been using to treat it. He told me that until rather recently he had been struggling with it too. He then wrote down what had helped him and gave me his e-mail address with the request that if there was Anything that he could do or questions I may have, to send him a message. I gave him a smile of sweetness and sadness. In a moment I was touched that a stranger would be so willing to help me; so open and giving. It was mixed with the feeling of sadness that my skin had become so blemished, that others felt sorry for me. I felt as though I could almost hear the thoughts of every person I came face to face with, wondering how my skin could be so damaged.
As I looked in the mirror one day, I noticed a deep purple spot under my skin in one of the swollen spots. I became terrified as I began to think about the Lasting effects of what was happening to my skin. What damage was being done that couldn't be reversed. Finally, I woke up one morning to a puffy eyelid, and the next day to two puffy eyelids due to the infection and swelling in my acne. Enough was enough. I had tried everything I could think to do, and it was time to get some help. I made an appointment with a dermatologist, money or not (I do not have insurance), and tried to not cry over the phone as I asked her to please get me in as soon as possible, particularly due to the swelling in my eye area.
She was able to get me in a few days later, and I called in to work to switch a shift with one of my co-workers. I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, trying to not feel too much anxiety. After a while, he came in, and I was eager to hear what he had to say and so very hopeful that he could help me. I was so conscious of the fact that I wasn't wearing makeup and how horrible my skin looked as he examined my face with the light blaring down on the worst spots. After he had looked for a few moments and asked me a few questions, he told me that I had severe nodula cystic acne. My heart sank, but I was hopeful that he could tell me something that would help me. His recommendation to me was to go on accutane. I didn't know much about accutane, but what I had heard had not been overly positive to me. I knew it was a "dangerous" drug. He explained that the number of people who had severe problems with accutane was small compared to its benefits. Still, I felt hesitant. To even be on the drug involved a strict regime of blood tests, pregnancy tests, and "contracts" to be on at least two forms of birth control. Also, I felt an aversion to the thought of having to go back on birth control to save my face; the very thing I had given up with a personal conviction I don't know that I can fully explain. Perhaps the most frightening thing to me was when he stated to me that "if you get pregnant while you are on accutane, it is not a question of will your child have a birth defect. Your child WILL have a birth defect." I had no intentions of getting pregnant, but all I could think of was did I Want something in MY BODY that had that capability? My heart told me no. Still, to give myself my best chance, I decided to consider my options.
The positive side to accutane is that it supposedly, in effect, "cures" acne. My understanding was that it would kill my dysfunctional oil glands. A cure sounded Very appealing. Especially when considering I was told that if left the way it was, my skin Would scar. Then came the question of cost. The estimate of what it would cost for someone without insurance to take this drug, was $3,000. I thanked the doctor for his information, but told him that it didn't really seem to be an option for me. He said he understood, and we then discussed my next best option.... antibiotics. He explained that they could certainly help, but that it was mostly a waiting game, to see if when I stopped taking them whether or not my skin would be done with its "phase." I knew that I needed help. I needed to get rid of the infection in my skin, so this was the route I decided to take. I needed to get my skin back under control.
I went home with $230 less in my pocket for the day and with mixed emotions of eagerness to start on my antibiotics and hopelessness at how far my skin had come. I did the only thing I could think to do for the moment, I called my mom to talk to her about what the doctor had said. As I began to tell her, and she listened in concern, I broke down in to sobs. I will tell you, I was at a low. My relationship with the man that I loved had taken a turn that I didn't see coming, I was unhappy at my stressful job, my skin had become something ugly, and then there was the pain; the physical and emotional pain. Bless my mother, because she listened to me pour out my pain in a way that only a mother and daughter can understand. Some things had to change, or I was going to lose it. But here was the thing... someone very dear to me taught me that "We are right where we need to be," and mentally, though I didn't know it at the time, I was almost to my moment of awakening. Almost to the point where I would know what I needed to do. I felt so scattered, so ungrounded. I felt as though I was spinning out of control of my own life and I longed for something, anything, to grab ahold of me and stop the spinning. I longed to be grounded again. Little did I know that soon I would be grounded again, and growing deeper roots than ever before.
A couple of weeks later, I talked to my boss. She knew that I was struggling with some personal things, and was worried about me. I told her I was sorry, but my head was not in the right place to be giving the quality of myself that my position deserved. After a good discussion, I told her I needed to go home, and sleep on what we had talked about, what I was feeling, and the best path for me to take. It worked! The next day, I woke up with this strange new motivation to GET OUT of my sinking ship. I believe, if you are not happy, then change it. Who can stop you? It was time for me to say enough, and take my control back. I was lucky enough to walk downstairs and have my roommate and one of my best friends in the living room. Everything I was thinking and feeling burst out of me and she listened to me with encouragement. I then went and made a phone call to a woman I had talked to about a job before I took my current one. I left her a voicemail and sent an e-mail asking if she still had a position available. I then made a phone call to my ex boyfriend, one of my other best friends, and headed over to his place to talk about my ideas to him. On my way there, I got a call from the woman I had called about the job who told me she had a part time position available. Perfect. Neither of the people I talked to that day seemed to think I was crazy for leaving my well paying and opportunistic job. I was not happy, that was what mattered. Once I made the decision, I felt a HUGE relief. It was like this giant weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. That in and of itself, told me it was the right one.
I went in to my current job that afternoon and talked to the ladies who were my bosses. Every one of them told me to take the personal time that I needed and wished me happiness and the best. I was to finish my workweek and then set out on my new journey. I waited in anticipation of the time where I could put all of my focus on it. When I walked out of work on my last day, as horrible as it sounds to say it, I was giddy. I didn't know what was next, but I knew it would come to me, and now I had the time and freedom to do it. I was starting at my new job the very next day, but it was only a half day, and then I could start planning and brainstorming.
I went to the post office after my first day and in the mail, had a book I had been wanting and that my mother had sent to me. This is something I very much want to share with all of you. The book is called The Magpie Papers and is put together/written by Jennifer Eis & Don Ward of Cross Village in Northern Michigan. It is a book of thoughts/insights/stories/words of wisdom collected and put on to these pages from the couples summer series. I'm sure you are wondering what I am talking about.... Don & Jennifer have a beautiful home built by hand on a beautiful piece of land in Cross Village, MI. This home they have turned in to a sanctuary for sharing knowledge and learning. During the summer months, the couple would have programs in the barn on their property, and they, with the others who would join them, would discuss different topics, in an effort to share and create awareness. I had first heard about the book from one of my mother's good friends on my visit home to Michigan. She had told us an amazing story about how her husband, a pipe carrier for the Odawa Tribe in Northern Michigan, and Don Ward had met. The seed had been planted.....
That night I opened my book and what I found was beautiful. My heart swelled as I read about one of Don & Jennifer's journies out west. Different thoughts were falling together in my mind, and I went to bed with a smile on my face. I woke up the next morning with a new sense of purpose. There was an awakening in my mind of the possibilities in my life. That I could Truly do whatever it was that I wanted to do. That I had the ability to make things that I had always wondered about and been interested in happen, for myself; ANYTHING.
I decided that my first step was to try a cleanse. I had a couple of different people talk to me about how they or someone they had known had seen a change in skin problems after doing a cleanse. It sounded like a good idea to me. Not just for my skin, but to clean all of the bad things out that had been accumulating in my body for so many years of my life. I stopped in to our local health food store to ask the woman in health care what she would recommend. It started out as a general enough conversation, but developed into something much more. As she mentioned to me the benefits of a cleanse for the skin, as so many other people had, I told her about my struggle. I talked and she listened. Then she told me about a diet that she was going to be starting and that she thought it might help me. She then proceeded to tell me about the Body Ecology Diet, and the more she talked, the more a felt a growing excitement about making a true, positive change in my life with something like this. I told her as I was leaving, with the Body Ecology Diet book in my hand, that I truly felt as if I was supposed to be in the store that day and run in to her. That I had been waiting/putting off doing a cleanse, but that the reason why was that I was supposed to be there that day at that moment to hear what she had to tell me.
I went home & told my roommate about this new, wonderful thing. Much to my happiness, she also felt a call to embark on this new diet and new journey for healthier eating and healthier living. The very next day I began reading my new book, and over the next coming weeks, felt an opening of my eyes. What my dermatologist told me was probably genetics, I was beginning to believe, with all of my heart, was in fact my body crying out for help. This is the belief and realization that I came to (with the help of my book and wisdom of friends): My acne was more than just a "problem." It was my body trying to help itself. Consider a few things.... Your skin is your bodies largest organ. It is ALIVE just like your heart, or your liver, or anything else. Consider the things that we put in to our bodies, toxins.... pesticides, hormones, antibiotics from the food we eat, chemicals from SO many of the things we come in to contact with every day and don't even think about. If you put enough bad things in your body, that it does not want, and it is working overtime to get it out, it makes perfect sense to me that one of the ways that it would try to get out is through your skin, the largest organ in your body. For me, it was in the form of acne. How can I be angry with my body, my skin, when in a way, I have done this, albeit unknowingly, to myself.
Now I want to tell you something else..... my skin is healing. I am on a mission to Help my body get rid of the bad things in it, and do as much as I can to keep from putting more in to it. And it is working. There are several things I have done to get my body and health back to a good place, that I would love to go in to more detail with you in a later post. But for now, I want to say a few things. First of all, that I believe without a doubt and a moment's hesitation that I would not be where I am right now without the inspiration and support of the beautiful family and loving friends in my life. I have had shoulders to cry on and open and giving hearts around me; wise people who, like me, just want to live the best lives they can. It has meant so much to me. SO much. Also, live your life the way YOU want to live it. You are beautiful just the way you are, and you have control and possibilities in your life too.
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